Costumes

Ok here they are. We had a great Halloween. Ben had his school party yesterday, Joey had his today and I was able to make it. The boys went Trick-or Treating (in full daylight- how are you supposed to know who's open?) for an hour or so, then we went over to Grandma and Grandpa's to tell Grandpa Happy Birthday. They only had a piece of candy (or 2), but I think I can still hear Ben talking upstairs. He's probably not going to want to get up in the morning. And for some reason I don't have lesson plans done for tomorrow. I'm really winging it this time. Perhaps the children won't notice since they'll all be hungover from their sugar highs.

We'll see how this picture thing goes. I guess I needed to rotate before I uploaded. Just tilt your head, sorry. *Ok nevermind I fixed it, yay.

H-A-doubleL-O

I sing that song in my head all season until the big day. I've decided that Halloween is at least on the top 3 for favorite holidays, although ask me how I feel about that after I do three Parties over the next two days for my 45 students. We've told the parents to stay, so it can only be crazy. But then I get to go to Joey's first kindergarten party, and then there's Trick-or-Treating. And did I mention how cute the kids are in their costumes?

I've actually been doing some scrapbooking the last few days and I love how it turns out. I'm the least creative person I know, so I'm extra proud of myself for being able to put something together that looks cute. I did some more disney pages, pages from our Minnesota vacation, a park day, and a page about being a Mom. The quote is In Raising Children I Have Lost My Mind But Found My Soul. It's true. My kids are everything to me even when they make me crazy.

Yesterday we ran to the apple orchard (currans)for about 5 minutes- just long enough to get apple cider slushies and some donuts. Yum, my first apple donuts of the season and it's 2 days before Halloween. We never made it to the pumpkin patch, so I'll be putting that on my list of things to do first next year. We just realized that we never made it to the zoo this year either. Something about doing parties and booths on weekends makes these things difficult.

K- Chuck is on, then Heroes. Gotta go watch my shows.

Misc.

Ok just a quick Thankful for the season. I love fall- the cool weather, the yummy smells (and tastes), the Trick-or-Treating. I do not love that we don't have heat yet. Right now it is 59 degrees upstairs. Not exactly getting things done temps. More like snuggle up and nap. Bill is working on the furnace but doesn't want to call someone and pay a bunch for something simple. I say pay before we all decide to hibernate.

Joey has been learning sooo much at kindetgarten. Now he learned about exclamation points. He calls them excited marks, like when you say WOW. So every time he sees one he lets us know and makes sure to read the word in an excited voice.

Off to a show today. Hope it goes well and I get a booking or 2. Shows have not been going well and I'm really starting to see other signs that our economy is struggling. Scary times right now. I hope everyone is doing ok in these slow times.

Vacuum shopping

I've been waiting to write this story, partly to calm down and partly I don't know why.
The other day we finally found time to go look for a vacuum. We'd been hearing great things about the personal service at Swanson's so we headed over to their Machesney Park store. We were the only ones there and the saleswoman immediately started showing us vacuums. She started with a $650 vacuum, then moved up to $750 and $1000. Now, we know we need to get something good for Ben's allergies, but we also did some research and know we don't need to spend that much. I had heard a scecific model that several people were happy with that was only $200. When we asked the woman about that model, though, she would not even show it to us. She said that one doesn't even have HEPA filtration. Well, Bill kept talking to her and I walked over to it and saw right on the front "HEPA Filtration." So that threw me off. Oh, you should know that during all this the kids got bored and were being themselves (a little crazy). The woman gave them some push vacs to play with and that lasted a few minutes, but finally I had to take them outside while Bill continued to get information. I knew from the beginning that this person was not going to sell us what we wanted, and so would not be selling us anything, but Bill likes a lot of info. So 10 minutes later I see him heading to the door with her information. She made sure to write her name on a card so we would give her credit for the sale when we came back. I know these people make their living from their sales, but I truly believe that service makes the sale, not pushiness. Anyway, Bill hesitated at the door for a minute and then came out and started driving before he said anything. I started to say he should have just come by himself and we should know better by now not to take the kids when he said "she just lost that sale." Well, yeah, she wasn't selling what we want.
"No, she just called the kids brats."
"WHAT!?"
She apparently didn't make sure he left the (very small) store before she started talking about us to her coworker. He heard "One of those little brats has allergies" before he opened the door. Now, why did he not go back in and rip her a new one? I don't know. His gut told him to leave and handle it higher up. We will be contacting the owner today. We also have a slim family connection- Bill's brother's girlfriend's uncle is the owner. We talked to her last night and she thought the whole situation was just crazy. So hopefully soon we will get the vacuum we want and the service we deserve.

What a weekend

Well, today I had my Holiday Open House that I organized. I was soooo nervous that no one would show up and everyone would blame me. Unfortunately not very many people came, though we did have at least a couple of people all the time. But I did meet some really nice fellow direct sales people. And no one blamed me for the turnout (at least not to my face). Of couse Lia Sophia did well, and the Gold Canyon candles. I at least got one order and lots of interest. I think I'm going to back off of booths for awhile though. Too much time invested for just "leads."
The boys went fishing and to set up the tree stand for hunting season while I was gone. Joey is VERY excited that he gets to go hunting with Daddy this year. We were at Cabela's last night and put some cute camo hats on the boys. Too bad we didn't have a camera with us.
Joey is also really starting to read and write. He wrote fntastg 4 (Fantastic 4) on his doodle board and has been writing our names next to his pictures of us. (The one of Ti-ti has lots of teeth, she apparently was angry when she was being drawn. Perhaps after watching my 2 boys all day in a house with no toys, you would be angry too.)
We've decided that Ben was born without that part in him that wants to please people by doing good. He pretty much does what he wants and then smiles so we see his cuteness and don't get mad. Unfortunately for him, that's starting to wear off. He's going to have to come up with another way to be cute. Hopefully it involves behaving, though I doubt it. His new thing is to go willingly to bed, and then 15 or 20 minutes later come out wanting another kiss. He tries it several times until I get mad or he finally falls asleep about an hour later. And who can resist getting a kiss from a 3 year old.

Gratitude

I spent the last two days down in Oregon at my friend Shannon's mother-in-law's Open House. Sales were OK, but the best part of my experience was getting to know Ruth. What a strong and courgeous woman! She has been battling (and winning) breast cancer for the last year. She shared with me what she has gone through, but I witnessed her strength. She was busy the whole time we were there, and most of the people who stopped by were old friends coming to visit and wish her well. Several people made sure to let me know how strong Ruth has been. She also shared some insight about the important things in life. Since she has recovered, she got out her "good" dishes for everyday, she spends her money the way she wants to, and only does jobs she wants to do. She doesn't let anyone push her around, but neither is she pushy. I just had the greatest time, and Ruth is such an inspiration to me. I hope she shares her story with more people.

I am also grateful to my sister, my mom, and my mother-in law for all their babysitting help.
And to my husband for buying a new garage door remote. (Long story)

Ok so here's the long story: I was gone all day yesterday and left the remote with my Mom so she could go somewhere with the boys. I got home before them and was waiting in the driveway (yes, the only way in the house is through the garage, and yes we live in a fortress.) They pulled up, opened the garage, got out and got the car seats out, Mom came in for a minute to say goodbye and went home. Later, we were going back out and I didn't see the remote. Oh great, Mom took it to Janesville and we have to go get it. Well, when we called she didn't have it, then we checked the house and car- no remote. Needless to say we have searched everywhere and the remote is nowhere. It is the big mystery of the day. Very frustrating, ggrr.

Now I have to be grateful that that is the biggest problem we have. There was a family in town who just lost their brand new home to fire, one of the other sellers at the open house lost her 22 year old niece to an asthmw attack a couple weeks ago, I could go on and on about much bigger problems than my own.
I am grateful for our health, I am grateful for our house, I am grateful for our jobs, I am grateful for our family, I am grateful for our friends, I am grateful for the weather, I am grateful for our country, I am grateful for our ancestors, and I am grateful for us. Amen.

Getting Back On My Feet

I've been feeling better the last couple of days, though I've still been really tired so I will still call the Dr. I've got some busy weeks ahead so I hope to keep my head up. This weekend I have an Open House for OUAF all weekend, and I'm hoping to get away Fri night to scrapbook. Then next weekend I have a genealogy conference on Saturday and the Open House I am organizing on Sunday. I really want to take the kids to the Apple Orchard and Pumpkin Patch (they've already been without me a couple times), but time is getting away from me. How is it already the middle of October? I think this crazy weather has me all confused.

Oh, why am I still posting, you say? Well...Bill hasn't said anything in a few days, and he knows how bad I've been feeling, so I'm pushing my luck while I can.

Joey's favorite song right now: "I'm strong to the finish cause I eat my spinach, I'm Popeye the sailor man." Ahh the wonders of watching movies with grandma :)
Ben was sitting on the toilet (naked) the other day when the air conditioner turned on. "Mommy, it's too windy in here!" "Well, maybe you should be wearing clothes."

Goodbye Blog

My heart is hurting right now because I will probably be giving up my blog. It has been therapy for me writing about what is going on in my life, whether anyone reads it or not. Unfortunately, my husband sees it as an invasion of our privacy. Even though I don't agree with him, I need to respect his feelings. He's right, anyone could look at my blog, though I don't know why just anyone would or what they would do with it. So if anyone was reading and still wants updates, we'll just have to talk on the phone or email. I think I will try a journal, because I still need an outlet. I am for some reason having a rough time right now with my emotions, and I need to figure out how to relax.
I know there are many people in the world with much harder lives than mine- I don't even think I have a hard life, but I can't seem to pull myself out of this feeling of not being worthy. I'm a bad Mom, I'm a bad employee, I'm a bad friend, I don't have any friends, no one cares. I know in my brain that all these things are ridiculous, but this is what my heart tells me over and over. Before anyone panics, I am not suicidal and I will not hurt the children. I know enough to know that I need to get help.
The changes that have been happening in my life have been all positive, but combined they have left me feeling inadequate. I think I took on a little too much all at once, plus gave up a lot of my daily interaction with my closest friends. I do miss so much that part of my old job.

So read this quick, 'cause it will be gone soon. Call me or write me for updates, or to talk.

Bunco

So I have a new "hobby." Last night I got together with some girls in my moms group and played Bunco. I haven't laughed so much or had so much fun in a long time. Which might be kind of sad. We all felt like old ladies sitting around playing games, but I had to draw the line when someone suggested that we have shirts made. I will not be a part of that. I might be a dork, and you probably can tell just from looking at me, but I try not to advertise my geekiness if I can help it.
I missed Biggest Loser last night cause I was playing:( It does help motivate me, and trust me I need motivation. I can't imagine going on television wearing the clothes that they have to wear, or stepping on to that scale in front of everyone.

I took the kids to Sapora Playworld the other day to get some exercise. We had a great time, especially on the steep slide. The kids came down first and I was cracking up at how fast they shot out of the slide. Then I decided to go down. Oh my. I FLEW out and across the floor right as another family walked in. They were looking at me like I was crazy, I was laughing hard enough to pee my pants, and then we realized we knew each other. How embarrassing. I was done after that (until Ben peed his pants and I had to go fetch him all the way at the top.)

8 LBS

Yep, I've lost the equivalent of a healthy baby. I've been working real hard again over the last month or so, diet and exercise, and it is finally starting to show. It takes forever for me to start losing weight. Supposedly it is because I'm "gaining muscle," but in the meantime I get really frustrated. Then I wake up one morning down 2 lbs. And then another few days and 2 more lbs. I guess I just have to keep at it and be patient. Patience is a key word in many areas of my life.
Once Upon A Family is not going very well for me, and since I'm spreading myself so thin anyways, my husband suggested I give it up. I don't want to quit, but I also don't want to put a bunch of effort into nothing. I've done 2 all day booths the last 2 weekends and had no sales. I can only tell myself I'm getting leads for so long. I broke down tonight, I think mostly because my stress level has actually gone up since I started working part time. The kids have been driving me nuts. They are not used to spending so much time together and all they do is wrestle (when Ben is not playing in the toilet- uh-huh, 3 years old and still plays in toilets). I'm not used to spending so much time with them either. We run out of things to do and we all get frustrated. I know none of this is their fault, and I need to have more patience, but see above. Patience is not always my strong point.
So tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to take the boys to the park if it's nice out, and try not to worry about getting anything else done.

One more kid story- Joey's new thing is to write random letters and ask what he spelled. Today he wrote c-o-s-e-s and s-e-e-l next to his picture of Daddy (with a beard and mustache and glasses). And when he puts his name on a paper that he colors, he puts MR Leese. He so wants to be grown up. We have his parent-teacher conference tomorrow. I hope to hear good things about how grown up he is at school.

Goal Update

(My goals for this week: Commit to one volunteer opportunity, have a successful craft show Saturday, get October lesson plans done, paint the town with flyers for the open house, get started on these soup labels, make a whole bunch of song cards for my class, help Heather find her right house, get a new vacuum (and vacuum the house), empty the kitchen table, work out at least every other day, and take a little, but not too much, time for myself.)

Ok, about those goals: I signed up with my Moms group to be volunteer coordinator and am currently doing a drive for MELD. Craft Show, not so good. Not one sale, hardly any traffic. The one good thing was the Tupperware lady behind me loved the company so much she booked a party. Hopefully I'll have better luck at the Family Jamboree this weekend. Got the lesson plans done. Been handing out flyers. Ugh, soup labels. Why did I get myself into this. I've been cutting for three nights and my hands are very cramped. Made some song cards, want to still make more. Heather has a house that she loves, and 2 backups. Hmmm no vacuum yet... Emptied the kitchen table and now there's new junk on it. Worked out the last 3 days in a row. Got some reading in between cutting, especially since the computer crashed. We're borrowing my FIL's laptop now, but I had no computer for 2 DAYS. It was horrible, but I survived. Nothing burned down when I couldn't check my email for 24 hours. AND I tried to give blood but got deferred, took the kids back to the allergist- Ben is allergic to peanuts and now has an epi-pen just in case, scheduled speakers for our genealogy meetings, and cleaned the basement. I think I won't even make a list of goals this week. I'm good. Feeling much better about my purpose.

Perhaps my husband will come home soon and get my computer fixed. He had to work on his friend's car first. Priorities!

What's My Purpose?

When I sit down and stare at this blank page, I start to wonder what I do all day and where is the signifigance? I know I've been super busy. Between planning lessons, teaching classes, taking a class, working on my business, organizing this open house, trying to keep up with my household chores, maybe spend a little time with the kids, working out, I don't know where the day goes. And I was just reminded today that I signed up at Joey's school to take care of the soup labels that are collected. But it all seems to start to run together. What am I doing that is important? I was reading today about a woman who is fighting cancer. I also read about a friend who is going to be a surrogate. I need a purpose right now. I have to step back and decide what is important (probably not playing on the computer), and rearrange how I go through my day. That means getting better organized to start with. Then what? I have a couple ideas about volunteering my time. My goals for this week: Commit to one volunteer opportunity, have a successful craft show Saturday, get October lesson plans done, paint the town with flyers for the open house, get started on these soup labels, make a whole bunch of song cards for my class, help Heather find her right house, get a new vacuum (and vacuum the house), empty the kitchen table, work out at least every other day, and take a little, but not too much, time for myself. Hopefully there is something important in there. One step at a time.

I do have two exciting things that happened today: I signed up my first consultant with Once Upon A Family! Yay! I have worked hard and want so much for this to be successful, but I was getting discouraged that not very many people have the same passion I do. Well, Barb does. I look forward to her success as well as mine.
Also I did a scholastic book order with my classes and it was almost $500 dollars! That's huge. We are going to get so much free stuff for our classroom!

Until another day. Keep smiling.

Genealogy

Alot of people look at me like I'm crazy when I say one of my hobbies is genealogy. There are not too many people in our age group who are obsessed with dead people. But I just wish I could convince people how fascinating it is to find an ancestor that no one in your living family knows about, or to confirm a story that has been passed down, or to trace your line so far back that you know where hundreds of your ancestors lived. We would not be here if it weren't for them. I wonder all the time if I have traits that my great-great-great grandma had. I have noticed that on both sides of my family mental illness is fairly prevelent. It might be coincidence, but it actually helps me with my struggle with depression. I at least have medication. Imagine going through it when they just lock you up, or shock you, or who knows what.
Last year we joined a genealogy society (we being my husband and I-he is just as obsessed as I am) and quickly joined the board. We realized that we were the youngest members by far (like 20 years), but thought that we'd be able to get more younger people to join us. Guess what, it hasn't happened. People are just so busy, or maybe they don't care, or maybe they just don't know where to start. Now Bill and I have taken over scheduling programs for our meetings, Bill is heading the committee to nominate new officers, and we're putting together a member survey. We're worried that people will think we're trying to take over, but no one else is willing (or able) to do these things. Where do I find people like me? Are we really that weird? We know we're nerds, but we like us.

Count your blessings

September 14, 2007 - Friday


Today is good day to count my blessings.

1 My husband- he does what he has to to support us. He's dependable. He's funny. He loves us and we love him.
2 Joey and Ben. My heart. Even when they've been running around screaming for seven weeks straight.
3 My job. It has been so wonderful. This is what teaching is supposed to be like. It's just so relaxed, the kids are alot of fun, I work with some great people. I love it.
4 Working part-time. I can actually do things besides work, come home and crash. I've been keeping up on housework (kinda), taking a class, working out, organizing an open house, stuff that I WANT to do.
5 My health. There is so much family history of ill health, so I am extra blessed not to have too many worries with mine.
6 Excersize. Crazy, but it makes me feel so good.
7 Our lack of debt. Part of it is because we are careful, but I also thank God that He has blessed us with good fortune. Many things could have gone differently in our life to change our financial situation.
8 My Family. I'm thankful to be close to my sisters, have a good relationship with my parents, and to be learning about where I came from. If it wasn't for every single one of my ancestors, I wouldn't be here and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am.
9 Life Experience. I make mistakes, but I learn from them. I am a human being. I appreciate the chance to grow.
10 Friends. I left behind many when I changed jobs, but I have been making connections and forming new friendships in different areas. I look forward to becoming closer to my new friends, and finding a way to maintain my old friendships.

God Bless

Things You Should Know About Me

September 11, 2007 - Tuesday

This blog, though technically "public" is really for my friends and family, so that is my audience. That being said, many of you know these things about me, but I need to write about them right now.
1. I take things personally. If someone is upset with me, then I am upset. (Maybe that's 2 things.)
2. I will always apologize when I make a mistake, and I expect the same of others. I know that no one is perfect, so when we make mistakes, we say sorry and move on.
3. I am a perfectionist. I expect myself to not ever be wrong. However, see 2. I can forgive others long before I forgive myself.
4. I suffer from depression. I am medicated, but some days are better than others. Especially when something happens involving 1-3. Once I get upset, it starts feeling like that song: "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms." I know in my brain that everyone hasn't suddenly turned against me, but in my heart I need to curl up in a ball and sleep until, say, midwinter.
5. I tend to say inappropriate things sometimes. If you are offended by something I've said, please ask me what I mean, because I would never say something to purposely offend anyone.
6. I'm the most non-confrontational person I know (but I'm getting better).

Okay that's enough introspection for today. I feel much better now.

I took the boys to the park the other day, and of course Ben had to do everything Joey was doing, so he scared me a few times. At one point he was standing on top of this high twisty thing, and said "look at me mommy, my husband does this."
"Who????"
"My Joey."
"But what did you say the first time?"
"Joey is my husband."
The logic of a 3-year-old.